SchoolWork

Understanding Emotional Intelligence

Episode Summary

In this episode, we chat with Anne Grady. She’s a resilience expert, best-selling author, and two-time TEDx speaker. Anne has spent the last two decades teaching resilience as a life skill. In part two of our conversation, we learn more about emotional intelligence and how it can transform the dynamics in your classroom.

Episode Transcription

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Speaker 2 (00:06):

I'll start this one. Yeah. 

Speaker 2 (00:09):

Here's the telling. How many times We'll have to do it over, but I'll start it. Hey, everybody. Um, back with another episode of Schoolwork and, um, Heather, we got another really packed, really cool, um, little segment here. We do continuing the conversation with Anne and really gonna talk about how it all starts in our classroom. We talked, um, in the previous episode about, you know, the reality that we're in the stress, um, kind of those things that you need to watch out for in terms of burnout. Some, some things you can do to, to take care of yourself. And really, I, I think this is a cool episode because one of the common themes that we talked about before we did this podcast Yep. And what I heard from some other teachers, other environments, is that a lot of what we're experiencing manifests is self with classroom disruption. Yeah. Which then frustrates you all as teachers because you're there and your passion is, is about teaching. And, um, and so we just kind of get in this vicious cycle where our kids are sometimes manifesting what they feel in disruption in the classroom, and then that makes it harder for us to teach. And, and she has 

Speaker 3 (01:22):

Such a personal story with this. Absolutely. 

Speaker 2 (01:24):

She's got a lot of personal stories about this in her own family. And, um, so we're, we're just trying, trying to glean how we can help everybody take care of, of ourselves emotionally and, um, and really our role in teaching some of those emotional intelligence type things and how that starts in regulating what's going on in our classrooms. 

Speaker 3 (01:45):

And she, and she talks about some things to do in the classroom that are really cool. Yes. Really cool things. And then she also talks about, still about self-care. She's still, there's still that theme running through there of self-care. That's that I think if we will step out of the box Yes. And try for ourselves and be vulnerable with our kids. 

Speaker 2 (02:05):

And here's the cool thing. If there's anything all of us have learned in the last year and a half Yep, that's true. It's about not being fearful of stepping outta the box, trying so, to try something different. Trying 

Speaker 3 (02:14):

So new we've got. Well, and I think we've got to, if we're gonna see some changes that need to happen for our kids, for us, for our classrooms, 

Speaker 2 (02:23):

So here we go, episode two with Anne Grady. 

Speaker 4 (02:29):

This, this means You, but Planet Earth, she can get enough. She's been writing love songs and poems. 

Speaker 3 (02:46):

You talk a lot about emotional intelligence and understanding our own selves. Can you bring that in to that as well? Sure. 

Speaker 5 (02:55):

Um, emotional intelligence is several fold. One, it's like, first of all, it's being understand, able to understand how you show up, how does your mood affect the, what you're doing and the people around you. Mm-hmm. . 'cause oftentimes we have, well, everybody has wine spots. It's parts of your behavior and personality that are really pretty clear to other people, but that you can't see. And that's not a lack of emotional intelligence. That's human, right? Mm-hmm. . So it's seeking feedback and clarification on what those things are so you can be more self-aware of how you show up. Some of it is reading the room, and you can stop when you get to that point of, um, desperation and take back control. Emotional regulation is social awareness. It's being able to understand social cues. This is something my son cannot do. Right. Read facial expressions, body expressions. 

Speaker 5 (03:54):

Um, it, it's understanding how to build successful relationships, which again, our kids are on the phone. Mm-hmm. , Snapchatting each other, not talking with each other. And we've, um, I think allowed technology that is supposed to be a really helpful driving force to overstep its bound sometimes. And that's really hard to stop because e every kid is glued to a device, right? Mm-hmm. . So emotional intelligence is stopping to ask yourself, is the way I'm thinking and behaving helping me and the people around me be better? And if it's not, it's stopping to reevaluate. What do I need to shift and how do I do it? The problem is, most of us try to make these rapid sweeping changes, and it's like New Year's resolutions. None of them stick. So it's learning subtle habits and practicing them repeatedly over time until they become a habituated response and then building a new habit. 

Speaker 2 (04:57):

So what are, what are some of those habits that we could begin to build in classrooms that would help us, um, combat what we're talking about and how that affects our teachers? 

Speaker 5 (05:11):

So one easy one is an emotional check-in. How are you feeling this morning? And really learning to pay attention to your emotions. Most of us cannot. 36%. They did a study, 500,000 people and only 36% of those people could accurately identify an emotion they were feeling. I mean, think about that. Like at the basic level, we have to teach our kids and our teachers and our administrators and our staff how to do an emotional check-in. What am I feeling right now? It's actually called tracking. It's reading your nervous system. And it's not assigning judgment or or negative, um, intention to any of those things. But it's like saying, okay, my stomach is really tight right now. What is my body trying to tell me? Mm-hmm. , my shoulders are like rocks. What is my brain trying to tell me? It's your nervous system trying to give you information. It's an alarm clock that we just keep pressing the snooze button on. So one, it's how are you showing up? Let's do an emotional check-in. What emotion do you feel right now? And where in your body do you feel that? And you start training kids to read their nervous system because that gets your brain back online. 

Speaker 2 (06:23):

So in another, in Heather's class, is that a, you know, does Heather have her kids do that and check in? And then is there a share out part to that? Or is it really just about each person, each kiddo, Heather as the teacher taking account of that for themselves and just being aware of where they are individually? 

Speaker 5 (06:48):

Uh, I think at first at least its sharing. And it starts with Heather sharing it. Hey everybody, I'm feeling heavy in my stomach. I had something happen at home and it's, I can feel it in my body. Right? It's that vulnerability. Mm-hmm. and then saying, you know, not calling on a kid. Right. Because we don't wanna put 'em on the spot. But you can say, who else is willing to share what emotion you feel and where in your body you feel it. And at first it's so weird and it's not something that even makes sense. So you have to teach them how to do that. Like, how does your stomach feel? Like when you're hungry, your stomach growls. That's how you know you're hungry. Mm-hmm. , my stomach's growling right now. That's how you know you're hungry. When your shoulders are like bricks, that's when you know that there is something causing mm-hmm. 

Speaker 5 (07:34):

resistance and stress. So first you have to become aware of it before you can do anything about it. And another simple practice, I was talking about gratitude with Heather earlier. So there's, you know, this basic, your brain is structured to where anytime you have a negative experience, your brain internalizes it immediately to protect you from it happening again. When you have a good experience, your brain doesn't need to hold onto it because it's not helping you survive. Mm-hmm. . So we have to learn to do something called savoring. It means magnifying good experiences and really sitting in them for 15 to 20 seconds to allow it to change the function and structure of your brain. So I call these beautiful moments that we often miss because we're in such a hurry to get to happy. Uh, I call them delicious moments. And the research shows that if you have a delicious moment, like for example, a teacher gets an apple from a student that says, thank you. 

Speaker 5 (08:37):

Right? Well, normally we're like, oh, that's sweet, thank you. And we move on. But if you hold that apple and you're like, wow, that really feels nice. I forgot what it feels like to be so appreciated. That feels really good in my heart right now. Right. Then what that does is it stores long-term in your, so there's an activity that you can do, and a lot of educators I've seen do this. And I get to see them on Instagram and on social that they've created these delicious moments boards. And it's a way to teach gratitude to the kids. And it's every day you have to put one thing you're grateful for on the board, or if you have a delicious moment, like if you had a really good meal or, or you laughed a lot or something, you know, fun happened, you write it down and you put it on the board. 

Speaker 5 (09:25):

Because what that does is it creates a surge of dopamine and serotonin while you're writing it down and thinking about it. And then you go back to the board and you revisit it. 'cause inevitably, you know, if you take a sticky note every day for six weeks and every kid is trying to write down now, you don't wanna force it. And there are some kids that unfortunately don't have a ton of positive experiences at home. Like school is the only opportunity for them to have these really rich, positive experiences. So you start training the kids and you as the teacher to pay attention to these delicious moments. You give everybody a sticky pad, you have 'em write it down, you put it on the board. It's not like a have to, it's a choose to. And what you'll start to see is you train your brain to start searching for those experiences throughout the day, which offsets your stress response. So it's a simple practice. It doesn't take much time at all. You can just leave a sticky notepad on every kid's desk. Right. Or you can ask the kids if they're younger and write it up on the board and marker. Right. But you, you keep track of these beautiful moments and it's a great way to show the parents, like, here are some of the things your child is really grateful for. I mean, who doesn't wanna hear that as a parent? Right? So 

Speaker 3 (10:41):

That's such a practical visual thing to be able to see in a classroom as well. 

Speaker 5 (10:46):

Absolutely. Absolutely. Like, don't write kids' names on the board when they misbehave, that invites more misbehavior. Right? Right. And it singles the kid out and it creates shame. I was that kid who got their name on the board and who had to write, like, I will not talk in class. I will not talk in class. And I'm not sure where along the line we learned that that was an effective form of discipline, but instead, capitalize on the kid's strength. You like talking in class. What is it you like about that? And then you figure out how do you tap into that kid's strengths instead of condemning them for the thing that they like and they're good at. Right. I mean, these are just different ways of thinking about education that we often don't have time to do. 

Speaker 3 (11:27):

Mm-hmm. . And how does that build that resilience that we desperately need to see in ourselves and our kids? 

Speaker 5 (11:35):

Well kids, by the time they're in middle school, they're beat down. Mm-hmm. , they've been told all the things they're not good at. They've been exposed to social media, they already start having insecurities and body image issues, and other kids are cruel. Right? So you teach kindness, you teach gratitude, you mindfulness, and all of those are scientifically proven ways to help build up your immunity to adversity. It doesn't mean that when you encounter a rough patch that you flawlessly skate through it, but it does mean that you build that, um, it's almost like a resilience gauge, right? You fill it up so that when those things happen, you're not left completely empty, you have a buffer zone, and you're able to build that buffer zone so that you recover more quickly. You're still gonna get knocked down. 'cause that's life. Like the average person experiences five to six traumas if they're lucky. If you teach people how to buffer around that and develop the skills that offset that those traumas don't become so crippling that you can't recover. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. . Yes ma'am. 

Speaker 2 (12:46):

So help us, help us understand. 'cause I think, I think a lot of people, maybe even myself, you know, we just, we, we, we see different people or different kids and we say, man, that kid handles adversity really well. You know, that kid is tough. They, they, there's nothing that can get that kid down. So are people, are there some people that are just born with that trait and they are, you know, they, they innately handle adversity very well, better than the rest of us? Or, or is it really that adversity and handling and having that immunity to adversity that you're talking about, is it really built to some degree in every person, in every child? Uh, what are your thoughts about that? 

Speaker 5 (13:34):

Well, there's a lot of research supporting both sides of that issue. There's a lot of research studying children and their life experiences and what happens. And we know that there connections, there's social connections. Their relationships at a young age are the biggest determinant of that skill. So you could have someone that has a thicker skin, so to say, like, um, who's a little mentally tougher as a natural ingrained personality trait. But if you have someone who doesn't have that and you teach them to cultivate it, and the other child who naturally has it doesn't practice it, the child who practices it is going to be more resilient. So we can, these are, these are skills and habits that can be taught and trained. And I gotta tell you, based on my life experiences and dealing with my son and everything that I've been through, I use those skills way more than I use algebra. 

Speaker 5 (14:31):

My, like, I use resilient skills every single day. The last time I had to figure out a coefficient or, you know, like common denominator, I don't, I use a calculator and I hate to say that, right? But like, I needed to learn how to manage the stress that I was experiencing in my home as a child. It was a, a, a very traumatic childhood, and I didn't have a way to cope with that. And I wasn't taught how to cope with that. So the algebra didn't matter because I was riddled with anxiety and depression. Right. And you can't learn when you're in a state of survival. What makes people successful is their ability to build relationships and connect with other people and be healthy mentally and, and be well. So I'm not suggesting that you teach gratitude in place of history or algebra. I'm suggesting you integrate it into the lesson y 

Speaker 2 (15:24):

Y'all may have already talked about this before I joined, but how does this, how does all of what we've talked about tie to classroom discipline problems? Um, because I think a lot of our teachers in, in talking to teachers over the last month, month and a half, you know, I think we're, we have some areas where we're, we have challenges with classroom disruption and it's, it's hard for our teachers to maintain the environment that they want in their classroom because there is a disruption of some kind. And then, and then on our administrator side, you know, we, we have some tools that we've had in the past that have been taken away that we can no longer use in a discipline type situation to change behavior. And so we have this, we have this vicious cycle of teachers who are working hard to teach and do, and for kids to learn. And then they have these disruptions that occur. And, and all of us, whether you're the teacher or the administrator, we all run to a consequence as opposed to how do we really figure out what's going on here and change behavior so that we can get the environment back to where it needs to be so that Heather can teach and her kids can learn. How, how do those things tie together? 

Speaker 5 (16:49):

Well, what I talked to Heather about before you were here is that, you know, my son was that disruption. He was causing classroom clears in preschool and kindergarten and was violent, not toward other students, but toward himself and toward the teacher. Um, and so the first part of it is training teachers on, you know, most, I I don't wanna say most all children would behave if they could Sure. If they had the physical and or mental ability to do it. Mm-hmm. , nobody wants to be a failure. Right. And so every behavior has a reason. Mm-hmm. , and for my son in particular, he looks normal. He sounds normal, but he is the most defiant, argumentative, oppositional difficult human that I've ever been around. And I love him more than anything in the world. But he is the student that all of those classes, and I wanted him in mainstream gen ed classes because I wanted him to have the experiences. 

Speaker 5 (17:57):

But then you have all these other parents who are like, I'm not sending my kid to school so your kid can clear the classroom every two hours. I'm not suggesting it's an easy answer. Right. The teachers, what, you know, the ones who were the best advocates for Evan were the ones who were like, he's a good child. Mm-hmm. , he needs help. Mm-hmm. . Right? So when we, there's a halo horn effect. And what it means is that we, if there's a child that is well-behaved most of the time and they misbehave, we look past it, right? They're a good kid. We look for the things they do. Right. And when they misbehave, there must be something going on. If there's a kid that commonly misbehaves like my son, it's the horn effect. And even when they do behave, we don't recognize it. 'cause that's what they're supposed to do. 

Speaker 5 (18:47):

So we're only focusing on the misbehavior. Well, behavior that gets attention is repeated. So if we're only paying attention to the negative behavior, the best calls I ever received while Evan was in school were from his teachers saying, Evan regulated really well this afternoon. He had a meltdown in the morning, but he got it back together. We're so proud of him. Right? Mm-hmm. as a parent, those are the things you wanna hear as a student. When kids who struggle are holding it together, everybody assumes, well, that's just what they're supposed to do. But for a lot of these kids, they're working so hard to hold it together. Right. And if they have a blow up, then oh, well now you're a disruption, but you don't pay attention to the 60% of the day that they were able to keep it all together. And part of it is using it as a lesson and empathy. 

Speaker 5 (19:38):

Mm-hmm. . Right. And they're using it as a way to discuss emotional intelligence. Right. The, the reason Evan's behavior is what it is, is his brain doesn't work the way other brains work. And more and more kids. Were starting to see these tendencies as a spectrum, not just autistic spectrum or autism spectrum, but a spectrum of these behaviors. If you've got a child who's raised in an emotionally abusive home and they're told they're stupid, they're lazy, and they're worthless, which a lot of kids unfortunately are, by the time they get to school, they think the only way to get attention is to misbehave. 

Speaker 3 (20:17):

But in the classroom, a teacher can, can do these things and, and do it with themselves and their own children, and then bring it into the classroom in a way that we're making a difference, even if it's just one classroom at a time. 

Speaker 5 (20:33):

Exactly. Because the ki like, you don't have as many kids like Evan as you do, kids who are having behavioral issues because of some treatable thing, right? Mm-hmm. , like, if you can teach kids at a very young age to learn to regulate their emotion, then you mitigate a lot of those behavioral issues later on because they have an emotional vocabulary to say, I'm feeling angry because I had a fight with my mom this morning, and it makes me feel angry and my stomach is tight and I can't concentrate. Mm-hmm. , that's what you wanna teach them when they're three. So when they're 13, they're not coming to school with a gun or having a complete meltdown. They're going to their teacher and saying, I'm feeling anxious right now, and I don't know what to do with that. And the teachers need to have the training to be able to say, let's take a few deep breaths. Mm-hmm. , let's take a walk. Why don't you take a walk around the classroom? Why don't you, here's a fidget. Why don't you play with this for a little bit? And if the kid needs more support, then you have it. But, you know, the teachers can start this in the classroom, but they can't perfect it. Right. Like, this is a, a practice. And so my hat's off to teachers who are really making a concerted effort to build kids emotional as well as intellectual intelligence. 

Speaker 3 (21:52):

I like that. I like that a lot. I mean, I've done some of that kind of stuff in my classroom, but not to such a, um, maybe consistent degree. And I mean, when we're, when we're given some freedom and latitude to be able to take that time to do that, I think we see more teachers wanting to come, more teachers wanting to stay too. 

Speaker 5 (22:18):

And it's providing appreciation to teachers in ways that's meaningful for them. Right. And it doesn't have to be monetary mm-hmm. . Right. It, it's, I really appreciate the way you handled that kid. Would you be willing to teach our other staff how to do that? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 (22:33):

, 

Speaker 5 (22:34):

Like, that's a, if a if there's a teacher who loves to educate and help people feel better, that doesn't cost a thing. Right? It saves you money. Right. But would you be willing to teach that skill mm-hmm. 

Speaker 3 (22:46):

, 

Speaker 5 (22:46):

I don't know why we're not doing more of that. 

Speaker 3 (22:49):

Right. Right. 

Speaker 5 (22:51):

So find what's working, teach other people how to do it, figure out what's not working, have support and resources to navigate that. And it's not a perfect science. This is gonna take decades and decades and decades to evaluate and restructure and think about. But the te it starts in the, in the classroom. The teachers do have a hu I still remember the teachers that helped me, and the ones that made me feel worthless. Mm-hmm. , I can still tell you every name of every teacher I had growing up who I thought supported my mental health and the ones that sabotaged it. And it makes a big difference on the kids. 

Speaker 3 (23:32):

Right. Right. So I have a, I'm gonna change, I'm gonna change directions on you. Favorite book that you're currently reading? Like do mm-hmm. . Tell me a, your current book. Tell me your most favorite book that you've been, that you've read. 

Speaker 5 (23:48):

Okay. So I'm currently reading, um, well, I'm rereading Growth Mindset or The Mindset, the New Psychology of Success by Carol Weck. Mm-hmm. . Um, I, I, I think that one's so helpful, um, personally to help you learn to take risks and, and learn that failure is okay. Uh, and I think that's a huge lesson the children need. Um, one of my favorite books is Developing the Leader Within You by John Maxwell. It was just really, um, instrumental to getting me to think like a leader and getting me to think in these ways. It's a short, easy read, but it, it was pretty powerful for me. 

Speaker 3 (24:27):

That's cool. So you mentioned earlier a new book that, that you've got. Tell us about that. Just for, 

Speaker 5 (24:33):

Uh, let me grab it for you. I'll show you, I don't have a copy of the journal right in front of me, but it's called Mind Over Moment Harness, the Power of Resilience, and it's everything we talked about today, plus a lot more. It's emotional intelligence, growth mindset, mindfulness, gratitude, um, and it's broken down, like I told you earlier, the mindset, the skillset and the ability to reset. And a special education teacher from Tara, I s d illustrated, the journal that goes with it, and a large portion of the proceeds of all of my books, this is my third book. They go to the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Central Texas. So, um, that is a, a wonderful thing to get to do. I got to write 'em a check yesterday and it, it felt wonderful. 

Speaker 3 (25:17):

Very good. Well, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed talking to you as it just, I mean, on a personal level, just reminders about what we need to be, what I need to be doing to help my classroom be better too. Just even, even that I carry it into my classroom and change the atmosphere just by who I am. And so what a great charge. 

Speaker 5 (25:40):

And your mood is contagious. So how you show up, um, affects the, the moods of everyone you interact with. And emotional intelligence is going, all right, I feel crappy. How do I show up differently than that? 

Speaker 3 (25:55):

Mm-hmm. 

Speaker 5 (25:56):

. Mm-hmm. . Right. And it's not about how do I fake it till I make it? It's how do I literally take control of that and reset it? And nobody does it flawlessly. I don't do it flawlessly. Mm-hmm. like, it's, it's a practice. A daily 

Speaker 3 (26:10):

Practice. Daily practice. That's it. Yeah. I don't know about you Kevin, but that was encouraging. 

Speaker 2 (26:21):

Yes. Um, you know, episode two with Anne Ends and really just, just to reiterate about taking care of ourselves and, and trying, you know, some new things to try to do that, and, and not forgetting the emotional intelligence part that is very real in our classrooms. So 

Speaker 3 (26:38):

Real. Yep. 

Speaker 2 (26:40):

And really as we wrap up, just kind of a reminder, shoot us an email if you have, uh, an idea about a guest we could have on. 'cause that's kind of something that we've tried to work on in schoolwork, is we've moved from, you know, just kind of really, really heavy dose of administrators here from the E S C. We brought Heather into this fold and she's been a great voice as one of our teachers. And well, 

Speaker 3 (27:02):

And we want it to be about lot, not just what you might can do in your classroom, but what, just like Anne talked about, what can we do to take care of ourselves or, or anything that you wanna listen to hear about. If you know somebody, then let us know. 

Speaker 2 (27:18):

Absolutely. Blake's trying to push us to get some of the most interesting people we can and listen to them. We've had several examples of that this year with, with George and Jeremy and now Ann. So if you have an idea about someone that would be good to have on the podcast and help us in this journey to educate our kids, um, give us a shout. Shoot us an email. We'll be glad to kind of investigate. That 

Speaker 3 (27:42):

Sounds like a plan to me. Well, until next time, lean in and stay curious.